Trapped Between Passion and Practicality

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“Mood swings” was how I described the nature of my depression to Dr. Lev through our Zoom session this previous week. “From really low to just low.”  

Source: © Artem Beliaikin/Pexels

“Up and down, back and forth,” I told her. “It’s exhausting.”

“That medication. The last one you gave me. It did nothing.” 

“You can throw it out,” Dr. Lev stated. Silent, she waited.

I shrugged. “I don’t know what to say.” I began to inform her all the projects in progress with my mental health and advocacy organization. Even I could hear the level of enthusiasm in my voice shoot up as I spoke with passion about my personal small business.

Dr. Lev didn’t let that alter in timbre slide by. “Is it possible you’re conflicted between working at your business for which you have enthusiasm and working at your day job which you’re not too fond of?”

© Zara/Pexels

Source: © Zara/Pexels

My voice dropped back down, as did my mood. I acknowledged I felt trapped and I wished I could function complete-time at my small business. “I don’t see it happening. I’m not making any money. Maybe when I finish my book.” I looked down at my feet in fuzzy slippers, eyes off the laptop or computer screen. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Do you ever feel like your mood improves?” 

I deemed Dr. Lev’s query.  

“When I’m around people,” I ultimately answered. “Not necessarily Zoom. I’ve had sufficient of Zoom. When I’m with (my brother), Daniel up at his residence or even at physical therapy due to the fact Amy, my PT, usually tends to make me laugh. Even when she’s hurting me.

“Thank God I have (my rescue dog) Shelby. If it weren’t for her, there would be stretches of days exactly where I wouldn’t get out of the apartment. But even she is stressful. I usually have in the back of my thoughts I could fall when she gets so reactive towards other dogs. There’s usually the likelihood of my feet having tangled up in the leash and she likes to go behind me. I adore her even though. We have been meant for each and every other.”

“What comes to mind?” She asked right after a prolonged silence.

I’m not suicidal,” I told her, “but when I see articles written on them or hear a story or the news, it just seems to catch my attention more than usual.”

© enricomantegazza | Pexels.

Source: © enricomantegazza | Pexels.

“Part of me wants to restrict,” I confessed. “Just to feel that super sense of control.” I’ve been wasting time watching YouTube videos of stories of anorexia and I see how thin the girls are and I believe I could do that once again. Then I don’t forget how miserable I was, sitting in my nutritionist’s workplace crying. I do not want to go back there. I have as well substantially to drop.

Dr. Lev raised an eyebrow in quiet approval. We each realized this was a victory. It didn’t matter how quite a few years out it was from my final hospitalization for anorexia. For me, the behaviors stay reticent, but the consuming disorder mindset is loud and clear.

Forty-5 minutes was just about up. I wanted to make the most of my time. My brain was straining for some thing to say. Nothing coherent was coming. Nothing that created sense.

Dr. Lev smiled. “You know where to find me,” she stated as her hand moved to click the “Leave Session” button.

Thanks for reading.

© Andrea Rosenhaft

Source: © Andrea Rosenhaft



Originally published in www.psychologytoday.com

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